Opinion: Inconceivable Secrets

America has a sickness. Not just America. All over the world there are children keeping secrets. Secrets too horrible to confess to anyone. Secrets that influence a lifetime. Secrets for which too many children and adults believe they are responsible. That secret festers like a virus slowly suffocating hope, killing our ability to love or trust and blinding us to our dreams. It cripples us at the deepest, most sacred part of our being.

The people we love the most hurt us the deepest. The people charged with protecting us from harm injure us the worst. The people who should be shaping our future steal it from us. Instead of pulling us up to be our best they tear us down to believe the worst. Abuse, whether emotional or physical is an incomprehensible betrayal devoid of conscience.

Some people will pay a psychologist to chip away the years of suppression in an attempt to piecemeal their psyche into some recognizable pattern. Some spend their entire life denying such a thing could happen while perpetuating it upon their sons and daughters. Some will wear ribbons to raise awareness without ever admitting to it until a six figure book deal with movie rights tied to a big name actor band aids the wound long enough to collect the check. Too many never speak their secret; ever. Too many never heal.

Please remember for every violator there are more people who do not violate. For every abuser there are more people who care. For every moment of misery there is a moment of hope.

Tear off those ribbons that tether us to inaction and in a loving, embracing, compassionate voice call out to every child and adult with a secret “You are still you. You never asked for it to happen. It is not your fault. You are not to blame. You need not keep your secret.”

I don’t remember ever being sexually molested. I don’t recall that my father was a hitter. He raised his voice like a fist, then pummeled me every time. Later in life you learn that names can never hurt you, but I assure you that as a child his actions scarred as deeply as the breaking of bone.

I know the hopelessness of neglect; the emotional scars of abuse; the toll it takes on your every relationship. I’m not the only one. Too many know.

I know something else; something every one need know.  The circumstances forced upon you do not define you; nor does the a user.  You do; only you. That’s the start.

Do not accept that the sins of the father are visited upon the son or the daughter. Do not accept the hopelessness that comes with unimaginable experience. Do not accept the theoretical of an inevitable future. Set aside the secret shame owed to no one especially yourself.

For every person of neglect or abuse, please find and embrace your moment of hope. Do not accept the inevitability of any situation. While there is life there is hope. Maximize the strength of your convictions to minimize the soul destroying influence of abuse.

There is hope. Do not look to the past and say ‘so has it been and so shall it always be.’ Look to the future and says ‘No more. Today, it ends. Today, I heal .’

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25 thoughts on “Opinion: Inconceivable Secrets

  1. So long and still..a sad taboo.
    A much needed unveiling to remind all..we are what we are,what we inspire to..not what they Are or were
    ..nor the scars left in their wake. Share your scars..embrace others as if your own.
    Speak out..never let anyone keep you silent.

    Beautifully and bravely said,my dear Jeffrey😚

      • i’m glad you did. i’ve contemplated for a really long time about writing about my own experience of abuse and the impact it had on me but for some reason haven’t. partly because i thought it might be seen as being weak or looking for pity. and yet when i read your piece here it was the exact opposite experience for me. it was your strength and declaration of freedom that i saw and related too. so who knows, you may have inspired another post from me Jeffrey. 🙂

      • Thank you so very much. The seeming weak, or looking for pity were the reasons I almost didn’t put this up, so it means a lot that you experienced it as as I’d hoped people would; a declaration of freedom. The last thing anyone should fear is their past. I think it’s important to relate our experiences because then they don’t control us, and, hopefully, those going through it know they are not alone.

  2. Seeing all these lovely responses endorses this need.. to open a conversation where most dare not tell. Whether it still too painful,or perhaps the persons involved still alive or active in one’s life. Truth is We all know of someone or have been ourselves, a victim of either emotional ..or physical abuse. So instead of hugging ..which in itself may isolate survivors.. I let go and bring forth personal experience, of mine or another’s. That I hope will inspire and comfort. For though hugs are lovely ,they tend to keep you a stigma..when survivors should be held as warriors..with the uncanny ability to see past all pretentiousness and breathe deep an empathy few know. So share..be brave..for even the songbird..must test their voice..and fly on fragile wings at first..before it can serenade the moon. Much love and peace
    💕my Jeffrey😙

    • You’re so right. I nearly didn’t publish this for two reasons:my father is still alive and I didn’t want to be perceived as a victim to be pitied, or felt sorry for, or whatever well meaning intention might be applied. The vicim status ended the day I rejected his ways, and rejected the influence his actions had on me. Was it easy? No. Was it overnight? No. For me, this was another step to reject that influence. Another step to take me back if you will in the hope that my words might open a thought process in someone else.

  3. And so strong you are,how proud I am of you.Especially since we as a society tend not to think of boys ,men experiencing any abuse whether physical or emotional. For men in general do not open up as we are more inclined to hear women’s nightmarish childhoods and so forth.
    And yes, if not personally touched,everyone knows of one, who has been. A solidarity of these triumphants should be celebrated and passed down to others,who may still live on the “page” and need help turning it. To break free also from the silent stigma that all abused become abusers. A falsehood perpetrated perhaps easier than the crime itself unveiled.
    We are not what has been done by others..we are what we wish to dream..a dare fulfilled.
    Are we born with anger,temper, jealousy, hatred..shame.guilt? Not,we are born curious,happy.. and with infinite love.
    Be that..be that..for there is no greater happiness than to overcome and help others do the same. Be brave..for it was not you that should carry any shame,but the one who lacked the strength of character or moral fiber. They shouldn’t feel safe behind our silence.
    Step away..and let them be exposed.
    Grateful you are at a place of safety and self peace. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, darling.. Courage shared for if only one to hold on to..is worthy.. Indeed. 💋

    • Quite right with every word. The shame of “why me” is not incumbent upon the warrior. No, the shame of “why me” should be the question pounding within the perpetrator. It is for them to answer. To echo your words, they should not feel safe behind our silence. Neither should those being abused feel alone and afraid behind the silence.

      If anyone wants to be heard, I will listen. If not on this page, there are all kinds of ways to talk to me via the contact page. Obviously, those would stay private.

  4. Lovely to feel the strength in shifting thoughts to a healing place,rather than a festering one.

    It is very kind of you,darling..as truly only those that have walked thru flames recognize the scars.

  5. “No more.Today it ends.Today I heal.”
    The strength to speak up and the resilience to carry on is of tantamount importance for the growth of an individual. Silence can cut through the soul like a knife and give scars for a lifetime.Thanks for being kind enough to listen.It means a lot to a bruised person who needs healing.

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